When Twisted

[arcanine]

A/N: Okay, Arc here. Let me explain myself. My mind is sick and twisted.

Summary: When things just aren't right.

Warnings: Crack, OoC, mockery, character bashing, very mild swearing.

Chapter One: Lions, Tigers, and..fluffy?

Rusty, wasn't sulking. Nope. He wasn't. He was just, uh, contemplating his dreams. Okay, he was sulking. He sat upon his fence, watching the forest. This was normal, and sometimes, he even felt like he was being watched back. Creepy. It always made his fur prickle uneasily when that happened. It always broke his focus. Just what he was focusing on, changed from day to day. The mouse of his dreams, the scent of the forest, or at least what he'd thought it smelled like-

"Pst. Pst."

Ignore him, just ignore him. He hasn't left alone since the day you met him. Ignore him, Rusty.

"PssssssssT. "

Green eyes opened and slanted towards the sound, ears flexing slightly, even as he readjusted his grip on the fence. A creepily cheerful kitten stared up at him from the ground.

"Hello, Smudge."

The two words seemed to send the poor thing into a tizzy, and he took the time to pity the poor black and white kitten that was his constant torture when outside. By that, he meant his very best friend. Really.

"Hey there, Rusty. What are you doin'?"

Rusty sighed. He also resisted the urge to ignore him, and go inside. With a twitch of his tail, he responded.

" Just thinkin'."

"'Bout that mouse in your dreams, Rusty?"

"Yeah, Smudge, about the-!"

How did he know about that dream? He sent a creeped out look to the other cat, who just stared at him with vacant eyes. There was some definite inbreeding going on in that cat's family. He could tell by the blankness in his happy gaze.

"Yeah, the mouse."

"You should go catch a real one. "

"Uh, but Henry said that there are wild cats out there. They eat cats like us."

Smudge's smile widened, and the ginger tom felt a unsettled feeling in his gut. His 'friend' was really starting to creep him out. He'd always dreamed about the forest. The suggestion made sense, and after a moment, he stood, trying to truly decide if he wanted to do this.

"Fine. I will. See you later, Smudge. " the ginger kitten started to walk away, before remembering, " Hey, Smudge?" The other kitten looked at him.

" Uh, just, um, stay away from wet paint, okay?"

The other cat just gave him a blank and happy smile. Riiiiight. Okay. With that he jumped down off his fence, happily almost.
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The forest was everything and more that he had dreamed of. Sure, he had lost the mouse he'd been chasing, but he'd find a new one. Forest was full of prey, after all. The tinkling of his bell stopped when his stopped, ginger tail twitching uneasily. He was being watched, but from-!

"Grah!"

Letting out a terrified, shrieking yowl, Rusty felt the air slammed out of his lungs, and his vision titled. Twisting around to fight back against the attacker, he quickly learned that it wasn't any good. Grey fur blocked his vision, and the other cat was heavier than he.

Eventually, he managed to run, fur standing on end and bristling. However, he wasn't going to let himself be run off again, and he whipped around, just in time to get a good look at his attacker. The gray kitten appeared, yellow eyes narrowed, fur bristling.

Rusty stared. No wonder he'd had a hard time, the kitten was larger than him, easily out weighing him.

" You're fat!"

The gray kitten stopped, standing straight, his fluffy tail hitting the dirt. Yellow eyes reflected hurt, and he stared at Rusty. Rusty hadn't known he'd spoken at all. Great, and he'd hurt the great lard's feelings.

"No I'm not! I'm..fluffy! No forest cat is fat! Especially not me! I'm Gray-"

"Sure you aren't. "

" Um. I'm Graypaw, of ThunderClan."

"Good for you, Grayfluff. I'm Rusty. You have self image issues, don't you?"

"It's Graypaw. No I don't, by the way, I'm just really fluffy! "

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Graypaw."

"Hey, I'm telling the-!"

"Fat one!"

Both kittens whirled around. There stood two cats. A white tom, and a blue-gray she-cat. The female had spoken, irritation in her eyes. The white tom sighed, and looked at her with something like reproach.

"His name is Graypaw, Bluestar. "

She stared at him blankly for a moment before turning back to the kittens.

"Fat one, why have you not driven this kitty-pet from our territory?"

The poor gray apprentice stared at his leader, hurt. You'd think she'd remember him, especially since he'd just gotten his name that morning. Sighing, he just shook his head. He had no answer.

Rusty, meanwhile had watched on, confused and worried. They wouldn't really eat him, would they?

Bluestar looked at Rusty next.

"Kittypet, why have you come here?"

" To catch mouse. Which I failed at. "

The white cat purred in amusement.

"We noticed. "

The leader nodded, as if she were a sage, wiser than all. She sat, tail curling around, tip twitching as she looked between the two cats.

"Kitty-pet, you fought against the fat one, I applaud you. If you joined the Clan, you could beat the fat one, and even learn to hunt. Properly."

Rusty stared at the older cat. Glancing at the stunned white tom, who just gave him the equivalent of a shrug, he looked at Fat On- Graypaw, who looked excited.

"Clan?"

"ThunderClan, fool. There are four Clans, Thunder, Shadow, River, and Wind. We all share the surrounding forest and area. It can be a hard life."

A hard life. No thanks, he had a warm bed and food and water. It was a good deal. He didn't want the mouse that badly. Really. Besides, Graypaw looked like he could eat an entire dog and like to talk about it. Besides, he was happy at home.

The white tom, who seemed almost normal, looked at him, with something like knowing. His next words made Rusty feel ill, and he almost mewled like a kit.

"Or, you could go home to that strange black and white kitty-pet that you talk to."

Smudge. No, no, no. Shaking his head, Rusty took a step closer to Graypaw.

"Alright. I accept it."

As long as he never, ever had to see Smudge again.

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A/N: I love Graypaw/stripe. I swear. >.> Now none of this is supposed to be taken seriously. It's all in good fun. It's crack, pure and simple. There will be more, and none of it will be in cron. order.

[arcanine]

A/N: Okay, Arc here. Let me explain myself. My mind is sick and twisted.

Summary: When things just aren't right.

Warnings: Crack, OoC, mockery, character bashing, very mild swearing.

Chapter Two: Of morons and death traps

Upon their arrival at the lake, Brabmleclaw couldn't believe what he was seeing. His ginger furred leader was being strangled by one of the fox traps, wire biting into his skin, and doubtless the way he was thrashing was not helping. He couldn't stop staring, horrified and shocked. His brother, who had come with him, stood near, before padding closer to the orange leader. He stood over the trapped leader, cruel scorn in blue eyes.

What. The. Hell.

He'd always known that his brother wasn't always the most rational or kind cat around, but this was extreme even for him.

"Hawkfrost, we have to do something!"

The tabby cat looked at him, eyes widening in mocking surprise.

"Your right, Brambleclaw. We have to watch him die."

Brambleclaw felt himself freeze, confusion washing over his features. Um. What? His confusion must have been apparent, because his brother rolled his eyes, scoffing in disgust.

"Idiot. If you let him die, you're leader. Then we can rule the forest, no problem."

Uh, yeah, big problem. It surprised him that he didn't see the problem. Cynical and cruel his half sibling was, but not all that smart, apparently. Brambleclaw side, tail swishing.

" You're forgetting about three other leaders, Hawkfrost."

His brother shrugged, looking away, with an almost innocent air about him. Surely he didn't think that he could rule over all the other Clans, and get to rule the forest. That was just stupid.

" After Leopardstar goes, and you become leader, the other two will be no problem. Like pawns."

Before the massive tabby, either of them, could say anything more, a coughing, gurgling sound has their dual attentions.

Cough.."H-help"..gurgle.."Me"..

Both cats stared at the injured tom, before completely switching their attention away from the injured leader.

"Okay, so let me get this straight. I have to kill my leader. To rule the forest."

"Yes."

"That..that just seems like cruelty and treason."

A sigh.

"Just do it. Just rake your claws across his throat. That will be the end, and your destiny will become actuality."

Brambleclaw stared at his kin. One ear flicked away, a confused look in his eye. He'd worked so hard to be trusted by his Clan. Could he throw it away? Well, maybe. Tigerstar had. Hawkfrost was going to. It couldn't be that hard.

"Wait, leaders have more than one life!"

"Yes. He'll have to die at least six more times. "

Brambleclaw blinked.

"Six death..es?"

"Yes. Six deaths."

The tabby tom's tail flicked, and he shifted uncomfortably. That sounded like it would hurt. Firestar had trusted him, and made sure that he was a valued member of his Clan. He couldn't' just throw that away. Could he?

" Wow. You really do wear your thoughts on your face. Fool."

"That was just mean. Uncalled for really. "

Hawkfrost could only stare at his brother.

"Your feelings are hurt, because I called you a fool?"

" Well, yeah. Besides, I can't make Firestar go through six more death..es."

"What are you saying? Death..es?"

"Yep!"

Brambleclaw was going to give him a migraine, he knew it. He could feel it building, growing. Why did he have to deal with this moron? His father should have made it clearer when warning him about the fool that was his half brother. With another sigh, deep and barely controlled, he closed his eyes before opening them.

"Brambleclaw."

"Yes?"

"It's not death..es. It's deaths. "

"Really? Wow. You do learn something every day. "

"You're welcome. Now kill him!"

He gestured to the leader with an angry flick of his tail, impatience growing be leaps and bounds.

" I can't. I'm sorry, Hawkfrost."

" Why not?"

"It just seems wrong. Unfair. Perhaps if we helped him out, and let it be a fair fight, I might feel better about it. "


"Dying..over..here."

Again, Firestar was ignored, much to his irritation. Surely Brambleclaw wouldn't let him just strangle to death. Wait. Nevermind, why had StarClan thought it was a good idea to let the rather dim cat be deputy? StarClan help him.

He could feel his head pounding, and with a lash of his tail, he thrust his face into his brother's.

" Fine! No, never mind! Forget it, I'll take care of it!"

"Aw, come on, don't be mad, I'm s-r!"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

With that, the massive tabby lept at the injured leader, fur bristling, claws unsheathed. However, he was met in the throat with a stick, and he could only stagger away. Brambleclaw, on the other hand, began to dig at the stick that was in the ground, connected to the wire.

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The dark forest was a bit unsettling, but as he settled below the rock that his father was laying upon, turning his icy blue gaze to his sire, he couldn't help but feel a bit amused. Brokenstar was nearby, clearly amused at the failure of Tigerstar's plan.

"What did I tell you, Tigerstar? Not only is your first son a fool, he's also an idiot. Congratulations, you must be proud."

Tigerstar hissed at the other tom, before regarding his youngest son, tail tip twitching with irritation.

"Now, not-favorite-son, why don't we go over how you failed, yet again. Back in my day..."

Hawkfrost bit back a sigh. Maybe eternity would be longer than he thoguht.
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A/N: Aww, poor Hawkfrost. xD